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Definitions
- Antonym - The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
- Bore - A person with nothing to say and says it.
- Diplomacy - letting them have it your way.
- Experience - 1. Recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
2. What you get when you didn't get what you wanted. - Flashlight - A case in which to hold dead batteries.
- Frisbeetarianism - The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck.
- Ignorance - When you don't know something and someone finds out.
- Junk - Something you need the day after you throw it away.
- Lottery - A tax on people who are bad at math
- Optimist - Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.
- Pessimist - An optimist with experience.
- Shin - A device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Skill - Successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls.
- Intelligence - Not trying.
- Tornadoes - God's answer to trailer parks.
I Wonder...
- What if there were no hypothetical situations?
- If you are dyslexic and cross-eyed, can you read okay?
- Who puts those "THIN ICE" signs out there?
- If the world were flat would we still have Columbus Day?
- When people make a new Champagne, do they break a boat over it?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Why is the word abbreviation so long?
- Can fat people go skinny dipping?
- Why doesn't anyone make a table out of coaster material?
- How come when you fix your copier it reproduces, but when you fix a dog it doesn't?
- If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, and olive oil is made of olives, what is baby oil made of?
- Why are there locks on a 7-11 if they're open 24 hours a day?
- Why do cans of anti-mildew spray say "use only in a well - ventilated area"? If the area were ventilated, there wouldn't be any mildew.
- How does Teflon stick to the pan?
- Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
- Why are they called buildings if they're already built?
- Why are they called apartments if they're all squeezed together?
- If pro is the opposite of con, then is progress the opposite of congress?
- If the black box is the only thing that survives a plane crash, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black-box's material?
- Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
- Why do socks go in the top drawer?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come of out her nose?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
- If a word were misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- What is a "free gift?" Aren't all gifts free?
- What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
- Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
- Why is "palindrome" spelled backward "emordnilap", and not a real word?
- Will your answer to this question be no?
- Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
- Why is it whenever someone tastes something bad they always want you to taste it?
- Why is it whenever you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal?
- If swimming is so good for you, why do whales look the way they do?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Words to live by
- If at first you don't succeed, deny you were even trying.
- When you first start out you are taught a little bit about many things. As you begin to specialize you learn more and more about less and less. When you finally become an expert, you know everything about nothing.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.
- There's nothing more annoying than two people talking when your interrupting.
- Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, that way if he doesn't like what you have to say, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.
- Never stick your head in a bag of angry squirrels.
- Never go in the water after a full meal, you won't find it there.
- Never moon a werewolf.
- Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
- He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest!
- Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.
- A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
One Liners from Unidentified Sources
- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
- Department of Redundancy Department
- I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
- "But other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how'd you like the play?"
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- There are three types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.
- Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
- And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
- The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" - Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.
- [Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
- Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.
- I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom.
- Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
- A metaphor is like a simile.
- Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
- A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.
- An optimist says "Good morning, God", a pessimist says "Good God, morning".
- Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
- Dyslexics of the world, untie!
- 98% of all statistics are made up.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
- Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.
- Bumper Sticker reads: Keep honking... I'm reloading.
- Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Funny "Laws"
- "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
- Goldwyn's Law of Contracts
- "All general statements are false."
- The Ultimate Law
- "There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't."
- Benchley's Law of Distinction
- "An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys."
- Van Roy's Law
- "After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch."
- Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair
- "Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner."
- Anthony's Law of the Workshop
- "Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet."
- Flucard's Corollary
- "If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway."
- Lowery's Law
- "When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last."
- Griffin's Thought
- "The other line moves faster."
- Ettore's Observation
- "Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases."
- Harvard's Law
- "Thinly sliced cabbage."
- Cole's Law
Last Words
- "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
- The last words of Pancho Villa
- "Go away, I'm alright."
- The last words of H.G. Wells
- "Alas, I am dying beyond my means."
- Oscar Wilde (sipping champagne on his deathbed)
- "Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored."
- George Saunders' dying words
- "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--"
- Last words of General John Sedgewick, Union Army, killed at the battle of Spotslvania
Funny Quotes
"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever."
--Anonymous
- Fred Allen (1894-1957)
- "Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done."
- "What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?"
- Woody Allen (b. 1935)
- "Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
- "Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?"
- "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
- "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying."
- "I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
- "When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
- "Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak."
- Yogi Berra
- "It's like deja-vu, all over again."
- "People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded."
- "You can observe a lot just by watchin'."
- "If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
- Tom Seaver: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" - "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
- "We have deep depth."
- "We made too many wrong mistakes."
- "Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
- Ambrose Bierce: THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY (1842-1914)
- Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
- Accord, n. Harmony.
- Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
- Academe, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
- Academy, n. [from Academe] A modern school where football is taught.
- Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
- Alone, adj. In bad company.
- Ambidextrous, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
- Apologize, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offense.
- Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
- Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
- Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
- Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
- Brain, n. an apparatus with which we think we think.
- Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
- Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
- Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
- Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
- Clarinet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarinet -- two clarinets.
- Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
- Kill, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
- Liberty, n. One of imaginations most precious possessions.
- Logic, n.
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second? - Optimism, n. ...Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
- Positive, n. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
- Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
- Twice, adv. Once too often.
- Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
- All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
- I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
- My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
- The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
- Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
- Sometimes I need what only you can provide - Your absence.
- Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- A. Whitney Brown
- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer.
- That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
- Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
- This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
- It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
- Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
- A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
- Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison. Winston Churchill: If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it.
- He is a modest little man with much to be modest about.
- W.C. Fields (1879-1946)
- I am free of all prejudice, I hate everyone equally.
- A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
- Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad.
- All in all, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. [tombstone inscription]
- Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)
- It rolled off my back like a duck.
- A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
- Gentlemen, include me out.
- If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
- Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
- Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)
- I like work: It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
- It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
- I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
- She got her good looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon.
- Jerry Seinfeld
- What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
- What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
- Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
- Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
- Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
- Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
- If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
- Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
- Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
- Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
- All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
- Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
- Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
- Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
- It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
- James Thurber (1894-1961)
- Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.
- You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
- I hate women because they always know where things are.
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
- The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
- Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
- Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
- Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man.
- In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
- I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
- Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
- When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
- It is easier to stay out than get out.
- I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.
- You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
- If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
- When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
- Stephen Wright
- If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded!
- Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
- I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane.
- After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- Dan Quale (a select few of TOO many)
- One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. (12/6/89)
- Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. (11/30/88)
- We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
- I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
- The future will be better tomorrow.
- We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. (9/21/88)
- A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
- For NASA, space is still a high priority. (9/5/90)
- It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- Will Rodgers (1879-1935)
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
- Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
- Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
- Murphy's Laws
- Nothing is as easy as it looks.
- Everything takes longer than you think.
- Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
- If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
- If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
- Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
- Mother Nature is a bitch.
- It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
Random Funny Quotes
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
- Michael Aulfrey
- A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
- H.L. Mencken
- If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.
- Clarence Day
- I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
- Shirley Temple
- If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
- Doug Larson
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Lisa Grossman
- There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
- Robert Byrne
- People can have the Model T in any colour--so long as it's black.
- Henry Ford
- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope
- I am a deeply superficial person.
- Andy Warhol (1928-1987)
- I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.
- Jules Renard
- I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
- I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
- Ronnie Shakes
- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
- Art Hoppe
- It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
- Rod Serling
- Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
- Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.
- Ernie Kovacs
- The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost
- The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
- Sam Levenson
- I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
- Steve Martin
- Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
- David Letterman
- USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
- David Letterman
- A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
- G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
- I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
- An English Professor, Ohio University
- The word 'politics' is derived from the word poly, meaning 'many', and the word ticks, meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
- Larry Hardiman
- I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams
- Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
- Dave Barry
- The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
- Jean Giraudoux
- I'm still an atheist, thank God.
- Luis Bunuel
- There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
- Salvador Dali
- This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
- Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague
- We're all in this alone.
- Lily Tomlin
- You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
- Al Capone
- Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin
- Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches/sec.
- J. Hart
- It is bad luck to be superstitious.
- Andrew W. Mathis
- I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
- Steven Pearl
- Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
- Joey Bishop
- The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
- Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
- Tommy Smothers
- The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.
- Benny Hill
- I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
- Jackie Mason
- Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.
- Ernest Haskins
- Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
- Evan Davis
- When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Norm Crosby
- Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
- Evan Davis
- We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocteau
- There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people.
- Muhammad Ali
- If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
- Vince Lombardi
- The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.
- Aaron Machado
- If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
- Dick Cavett
- I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman
- My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
- The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
- Jay Leno
- I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf.
- Robert Bloch
- If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
- Michael A Masin
- The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
- From an article on the growth of federal regulations
- If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end---I shouldn't be at all surprised.
- Dorothy Parker
- Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
- Wendell Johnson
- I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.
- Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)
- It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
- Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
- Ron Nesen
- If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
- Bill Vaughan
- Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
- Fran Lebowitz
- The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing.
- Gamel Abdel Nasser
- Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
- David Letterman
- Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
- Aldous Huxley
- All the world's a cage.
- Jeanne Phillips