As it turns out, my previous recap wasn’t entirely right, but there were certainly some accurate parts. Here’s a piece-by-piece deconstruction of the predictions.
So we all showed up and quickly realized we don’t know 90% of the people at the party. This is not unusual, since we’re a bunch of losers, so the first thing we do is head straight for the keg (which is, of course, surrounded expertly by Coon Dog’s ice).
For the most part this turned out true, except K & I showed up on time to the party instead of a little late (I forgot what time it started) so when we showed up I knew most of the people there. It was mostly Coon Dog’s brothers and their friends sitting around playing asshole. I did head straight for the keg, which was well-packed with ice. After about an hour, I didn’t know 90% of the people at the party.
We make a “safe haven” in Coon Dog’s room, which he has haphazardly cleaned in anticipation of our arrival. There are still areas of the floor we can’t walk on, but he has pushed all his crap to the corners of the room to make it a little more liveable.
This plan totally fell apart. Coon Dog’s room was haphazardly cleaned – all his junk was stuffed into a closet and his mattress was leaning up against a wall. The problem was that his room was clean enough that partygoers found it inhabitable, and it was close to the kitchen, so it was full of strangers for most of the party.
Because we’re not out greeting people, and we already know the people in the room, we need a way to keep ourselves entertained before everyone is fully drunk. We tell old stories from high school, before Schulte finds something from Coon Dog’s room he can destroy and entertain us all. Eventually Coon wants to keep everyone distracted from his personal possessions, and brings out the computer so we can play videos / surf the web and find more things to make fun of when we’re not busy making fun of ourselves and destroying Coon’s property.
Coon ended up inviting some friends from work, so he actually was busy entertaining for a good chunk of the evening. He didn’t have to pull out the laptop. When Schulte arrived though, he did find a way to keep us all entertained. Apparently it was some guy’s birthday, and someone had made a cake for him that was decorated with naked barbie dolls for some reason. Schulte proceeded to find two (mostly empty) beer bottles and mash them into the cake.
We laughed about it for a while (and I took a picture). As we walked away I heard a male voice say to someone else “hey, did you see the cake?” presumably to inquire if they’ve seen the hilarious Barbie doll cake. A female voice reply “yeah, the one with the beer bottles in it?” and then the male said “what!?!”. Oh, that Schulte.
Throughout this time, other people…
These next two paragraphs proved mostly false. Some of us did spend considerable amount of time isolated on the porch, but by and large we didn’t blockade ourselves anywhere. No one got too drunk either (from what I saw).
As the evening winds down, Schulte decides to destroy something on his way out for good measure.
This is how it SHOULD have been, but it sort of worked out the other way around. Schulte picked up one of the balloons lying around and jammed it into D’s mostly-full beer. D made little effort to stop him as the beer poured out all over Coon’s hardwood floors. At that point Schulte’s wife gave him the “time to go” look, and that became his final act for the evening. So technically Schulte did destroy something on his way out, but it was more like he had to make his way out because he destroyed something.
The destruction wasn’t over after he left though. During a somewhat hilarious period of ransacking Coon’s room, Sarge managed to destroy one of the drawers of his desk. Or, as Sarge put it “the glue came off and it fell apart.” Luckily, we were unable to destroy the other drawer because the handle wasn’t attached well (you can see it on the floor). That was collateral damage from last year’s party.
There were various other highlights which I’m sure Coon will cover in his log later on. I expect him to recap all the rules which he posted and we broke. I think we at least hit half of them.
Reading your description of the evening is as good as being there. Better, actually. Because reading about the party is worth a chuckle and 5 minutes of my time, which is exactly about how much the party would have been worth if I had attended. This way, we all win!
Good job, Tom.
In retrospect you’re right. I’d rather have read a summary than actually attended. It was good to see D though. Probably won’t see him for another year or two.
Good ‘ol Sarge